I hate how you can’t even fucking look at me when you walk in a room. Granted, I have no desire to see you either. I can’t stand the way things were handled last night. It drives me crazy to think that we came so close to doing something that we’d regret so much. Okay, I would regret it. You probably wouldn’t have cared. You probably wouldn’t have cared because you probably don’t have soul to care. You had to have known I wasn’t there by myself. Yet you still didn’t really give a damn. You still saw that I was weak and decided to take advantage of that because you are so attractive and you know that I can’t resist a nice body.

I hate how you possibly fucked up everything between me and the one I actually care about. He doesn’t seem to hate me. Yet. But I can’t stand thinking he could hate me because of you. And he would have every right to hate me. Every right in the goddam world. He’s nicer than you are apparently. He stayed with me all night. Until I was sober. Fucking sober. Like as in, he couldn’t take advantage of me because I was no longer in a state of mind that I didn’t know what he was doing. He layed there next to me and watched a movie. Granted, we didn’t actually watch them. We talked and we laughed and we cuddled and had a tickle fight. All by 5 in the morning.

He never touched me inappropriately. Not once. I love that. He was so respectful. Such a nice guy. Genuinely nice. You on the other hand. I talk to you for like five whole minutes and you’re trying everything you can. Giving me a grand tour of the goddamn frat house. All because I’m naïve and a freshman and you think you can get away with it. I hate you for that. I don’t want to hate you by any means. I really really really don’t like hating people. It takes me a long time to hate people. But I’ve known you a grand total of a week. You managed it. Congratufuckinglations. Every time I remember that night…I want to cry.

How does that make you feel? You can make me cry and you barely know me. It sucks for me, that’s all I know. I hesitate to even talk to him because of you. I really like him. You made me out to be a bad person. I fell for it hook line and sinker. It all sucks. All of it. I’m genuinely sick to my stomach thinking of you. You suck. Honest. Like I said there isn’t a MODICUM of a chance I would EVER lie to you. Even though I don’t hardly know you. Remember that conversation? Probably not. You suck. You were never worth my time. You never were and you were always the lowest of scum and I never wanted to hook up with you.

I don’t care how attractive you are. And you really are really attractive. But, getting past that, I hate you. Everything you are is purely physical. It’s not right it’s not fair, not to either of us. Whatever. There never was a shot in hell of us being anything more than a one night stand. One night stands are not my idea of a good time. I don’t particularly enjoy being reduced down to the fact that I’m a girl. That I have a decent body. That I can “kill you” with my dancing. That I’m a tease. It’s not worth my time and energy to pursue someone like you. Someone that cannot even understand the principals of basic principals of boundaries and respect.

This was my initial reaction to J. Who was almost a drunken mistake. Then I got to know him and I came to respect him

Fuck. my initial opinion seems to be correct. Friends aren't douchebags. Fucker.

I am having planet sub for lunch again. god i'm in love with that place. D is bringing it to me. actually he should be here very very soon. I would hope anyway. jeeez i'm hungry.

I wrote last night. like a poem. been awhile since i've been in that mood.

I'm going to cirque du soleil sunday that's exciting. but i don't get to stay in the hotel like we'd originally planned. duuuuumb. i hate that. . . .

So once again it's been a pretty good day as of yet. It's only 10am. But I'm in class now and I have one more than I have lunch with D. I'm excited about that. We're having planet sub :-) yum yum yum

Apparantly I forgot about a worksheet due next class. Oh well. I'll do it during class. Which sucks ass but... it's better than not turning it in.

Later tonight D and I are going shopping for fun things. We were supposed to go Tuesday but neither of us had any cash. Laaaaaame right?

And it's poker night tonight. I suck at poker. Buuuuuut I truly enjoy playing.

I get to live by myself next year. I don't know that's a good thing as I HATE being alone... but it's better than not knowing. I live by myself now..but it's in the dorm. And it should be easier cuz Drew will have a house and going back to trial will make living alone nice...late night drunk packing.. = not fun for a roommate.

I guess I'm excited.