I just wanted to say that I have an amazing lover. No matter what anyone else says. He's good to me. he cares more than anyone ever has and he's so kind to me. He is more patient with me than anyone else in the world. And he gives great massages. What more could I possibly ask for? He thinks I'm pretty and he believes in me.

05 Dreams

Laying in bed I close my eyes but fail to sleep. the world spins around and there is a cyclone in my brain. Trying to figure out what I want from life and what I need, and how the two things correlate. Adults, especially my parents, seem to think this is an easy decision. However, I disagree to a great extent.
One day I want one thing and the next I want something totally different, how am I supposed to be able to plan my life? I'm still 19... how am I supposed to know what's going to be fulfilling to me forever? That doesn't make any sense.

damn

So...
I managed to make most of the boys i love mad at me... I seem to be damn good at that lately. After begging and pleading with D he has forgiven me... I need to get through a couple days without having to ask him to forgive me.

Last night was good though. I mean other than the fact that I decided not to do hw all day... because I couldn't get motivated and now I have class ALL day. LAAAAAAME.

*sighs* good mood

I've decided that I made the right choice. For now anyway. As much as I enjoy T's company, right now he's not capable of being the boyfriend that I would want and need. I went and had chinese with T and then coffee with him and his ex. That wasn't awkward or anything. (the coffee not the chinese.) I'd forgotten how much I missed him.

Makes me feel better. 2 days til I get to see D. Which is wonderous. I can't wait. I love that boy. he's pretty patient with me. T thinks D's good for me. Which makes me happy too.

I'm just in a pretty fucking good mood.

I hate vacations. And breaks. They make me question all of my feelings about boys and life and everything. I was so sure. And now... I don't know...

And then I was sure again...
and now...
Damnit all to hell!

I want to know he cares. And in my heart I do. But fuck. He'll tell me he gets caught up and forgets about me. I have never forgot about him. NOT once. But he forgets. And I wouldn't be so pissed about it if we weren't on such a shitty talking schedule and a getting out of a shitty situation. I want to be in his arms so I know that everything's okay. And I can't be. And not only that I can't talk to him on a regular basis. Which almost hurts more.

does he care?

I'm scared. I'm so scared I made the wrong choice. It doesn't have to be a permanant choice... and I know my parents disapprove... but it's not their life. It's mine. But god damn. I don't CARE that he's on vacation. He's on vacation in VEGAS and doesn't want to talk to me. I have had an absolutely awful week. And he can't deal with me cuz he's on vacation. It's not a vacation from me. That's not what it's supposed to be. But ... he doesn't want to talk to me. He says he forgave me... but how can I believe that? Really. It doesn't make sense to me. I can't. I can't and it sucks. I want to. But jeeez if he cared that much wouldn't he txt me back? That's all I'm asking for. He calls me at night. So I can talk to him before I go to bed. But that's not what I want either. I want to be able to KNOW I can count on him. Right now I don't feel like I can. I know that if he reads this that it's going to hurt... but honestly... maybe it should. I'm crying because he doesn't know when I get to talk to him. I'm just starting my period. I'm hormonal and I'm not okay. I just made a pretty big decision he was part of and I don't feel wanted. I don't fucking care that it's st patty's day. His friends ALREADY got drunk once today. So big fucking deal if they don't go out again. I don't get to go out tonight. And even if I did... I'd be passed out before he wanted to talk. Why do we always have to talk on HIS terms? Why not when I need him?

I chose D. After a long time of T reassuring me that I wasn't going to lose him. After T telling me that if D and I don't work out...I can still potentially have a shot with him...his feelings weren't going to fade any time soon. Mutually it was decided that we were doing what was best by not being together. Long distance blows and that would put strain on a friendship let alone a relationship.

I hope I made the right decision.

I'm so upset so conflicted so hurt.
I'm in love with both of them
I don't know that I could marry D
I don't know that I could marry T
I want both of them in my life forever
but i can't do that to either of them
and i can't mold them into one
I can't do that
I want to cry I want to scream
D is here. T is 6 hours away
I don't want to lead them on
but I'm so so so upset
I don't want to decide.

04 Change

It is bound to happen. I suppose. It's not something I enjoy- reason 897 I'm a republican. lol. I hate the way my life is changing right now. I hate the way that I can't figure out what I want and what I need. I need love here. But I don't know that I need love to be happy. I don't want to be alone. So that's not changing. Not for awhile.
I have changed. In the last year I've grown up more than I could have ever imagined possible. I am so much more responsible and adult. I don't really like that. I liked the fun and carefree person I was last year. But my classes were bad last year. Ps. I'm fucked for my math test in an hour. I want to cry. But anything I don't know, it isn't going to help, because I'm going to forget anything I study now. Plus I'm in class. I've spent I don't know a total of 15 hours over the weekend studying for this test- something I never would have done before.
Back on subject. Things change and I don't like it. There's consequences and retributions. I'd like to just stay 18 forever. (I'm 19 now) Sad that I'm already past what's been my favorite age. But I'm looking forward to 21. =D
(My accounting professor is lecturing about what professional dress is. Apparantly I'm not supposed to show up in a swimsuit.)
But seriously... I'm scared of change. I'm scared of changing too much. I'm scared to grow up and to graduate. I'm scared of leaving home. I"m scared. And I don't know what to do about it.

A friend issued me a challenge. From now til break the only people I'm allowed to worry about is me. Me and making sure my relationship with my boyfriend is okay. That's going to be so difficult for me. And I don't know that I can do it. I'm scared.

I heard from a friend of mine that I hadn't heard from in almost 3 years.

She was worried about me because of my facebook statuses. Made me smile. She still cared. It was so random. But it was nice.

I have cried so much in the last couple days I can't cry anymore. I can't sleep, I'm barely hungry, I just want to cry. But I can't. I can't function. I can't study. I can't do anything. I can just exist. Which blows. But whatever. I'll get over it. I can't stay like this forever. I need a break.

I need to function. I need to be okay with my relationship. I love him. I do love him. That's not a question. It sucks. I can't keep asking him to be there for me. I can't be there for him. I can't because I cant DO anything. I can't take care of myself so how can i take care of anyone else? I can't do it. I can't. I can't be okay knowing that I can't take care of him should he need it.

Also. I've had tonsilitis forEVER. I can't get over it. I can barely swallow right now. My voice sounds like shit and I can't get better. I'm so sick of being sick!!

You know who you are

So basically. I fucking hate you. I hate the way you are selfish and everything's about you. I hate the way that you don't give a damn that I don't even want to go back to TKE, that I have given you my time and friendship for a year and a half. I would have done ANYTHING for you. And I mean anything. You needed a body hid? I would have helped. That's not an exaggeration or stretch of the truth, any stupid fuck with eyes could see that.

Now, that you got banned from the house, now that you're spending way more time with that stupid lying whore, you're a totally different person. I hate that. You're not the girl that was my friend. You're not the girl I cared about. Right now I don't give damn. It's going to take a lot to get me to care again. I didn't get banned. Thank God. If I had lost those boys thanks to your stupidity I probably would have beat the shit out of you- and it wouldn't have been hard to do. You probably would have just taken it like you take everyone else's shit. You took his... and he was sooo bad to you.

And now? This boy. Oh, he's so much better. A community college FAILURE. Someone you're mother is most definitely going to love- that's not important to me like it is to you- so don't think I'm a hypocrite. Because I'm not. This boy? Fuck- you thought the last one wanted in my pants... This one...tried to take me home from a party. This one...got news for you... he does want to fuck me. And he wanted to fuck me first.

I have never fought so hard for something and walked away. But tonight I'm doing it. Tonight I'm walking away from you, and I'm not coming back. Tonight, I'm walking away from TKE, and probably, not going back for awhile.

Toxic Friendships

So basically...
I'm reminded time and time again why I don't like girls. They piss my off on a regular basis. None of them have any common sense and I probably shouldn't talk to any of them.
Well okay. That's extreme. There are a few sensible ones...but very very few.

I didn't really have girl friends in high school...just a bunch of guys that I continually hung out with... to the point where I like things most boys do...and not so much girl stuff. I enjoy spending time girls now... I like having girl friends... but seriously... not if they're going to get me in trouble like they do. Not if they're going to continually fuck up. Not if they're not going to learn from their mistakes.

I'm the kind of friend that will be there for a person no questions asked. I'm the kind of friend that people want to have. I don't lie to you and I don't sugarcoat the truth. But I'm not a bitch. I (usually) try to choose my words and I'm a fairly decent person. I expect the same out of my friends. The guys I spend time with...give me that. I mean, I get the occasional..."want to fuck?" But barring that, the guys will listen to me and will spend time with me when I need it... no questions. I do the same for them.

Girls... they come to "need" me... to depend on my kindness to take advantage of the fact that I'm a decent person and someone that will listen and be there for them. They don't return that favor. I can't continually deal with drama after drama after drama, when their not there for me to walk to get food...a 15 minute thing. I put school second for them, something I NEVER should have started doing... and I can't get 15 minutes. That's the biggest load of shit that I have heard in a long time. They nearly cost me the guys that I love more than anything and I couldn't have handled that.

Basically...I think I had the right idea in high school.

drama.

Can I not be a part of it anymore? Can I make it go away?
Can I make D not get mad at me?
Can I make others less likely to too?
If I died...would they care?
If I left would anyone even notice?
Other than they'd have one less ear to cry to
One less person to lean on