I am so tired. Exhausted. Absolutely dragging. I want to go home and cuddle my boy and my dog. I want to sleep for like the next 18 hours. But unfortunately I can't. I need to do homework tonight. I have trial. I'm probably going to the theater tonight. Life is such a mess... I hate it that way. I wish that things would sort themselves out, I wish that things would be normal and things can be right again. I am never going to have time to catch up on my sleep. Ever. *sigh*

Sitting here
Contemplating packing my things
So much of me wants to run

some days

Just really blow. Others are phenom. Saturday was amazing. I went to adventureland with my family and I loved every minute of it. Today, yesterday, and Sunday I have been so sick. I want to curl up in a ball and die. That is what makes me feel like I'd be happiest.

Today really sucks. I’m not really certain as to why... but it really sucks. I’m trying to let myself let things fall into place but it’s so damn hard. Drew can’t make me feel better... I can’t think straight... I can’t hardly function. (Disclaimer: am in Geology... I never function well in geology) I can’t hardly think. I want to cry I want to break down and I want to beat the fuck out of something. That sounds like a great time. I want to run away. Please. Let me leave. I just want to get the hell out! I want to cry and not stop. My heart feels broken and nobody’s done anything. I want to just leave. I want to run and never slow down.

I'm lost. I can't think straight. I just want to run away, I want to collapse. I want my week to be over. I want to run and run and never come back. I love him so much. But I want to run. I want to run so badly; not because I don't want him in my life. He can come with. I just don't want to be at Drake. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of everything.

On a second note, my lovely boyfriend bought me Colbie's new CD at best buy this morning. AND we're going ladies golf club shopping this afternoon. Isn't that exciting? LOL I'm trying so hard to be good at it; he really likes golfing....

169.4. That’s what I weighed today. It’s beautiful. I saw James today for the first time this semester. He was very impressed with how I’m looking. It made me feel *really* good. I’m also wearing my first size 9 jeans. Single digits. God that feels great. They’re the only 9’s that fit right now, but I’m doing so well. I started out at 194. So now I have only 39.4 lbs left. That means I’m getting close to the midway point with the amount of weight that I needed to lose. I’m at 24.6 now. 8 more lbs and I’m halfway there. It shouldn’t take that long. Another month or so.... But I’ve lost the 24.6 since the beginning of July. So, even though that’s not quite a healthy amount to lose in 2 months, I’m okay with that. If I could keep that pace, I would be completely happy. Unfortunately, as I have to pick up the amount of exercise and eat less as I weigh less, I can’t keep up that pace. My doctor told me to only lose 5 lbs a month, but I kind of felt like that was a boring amount of weight and that I could do better than that. I’m certain that I can. He told me 30 lbs in 6 months. I want to do it in half the time. (30 lbs from 178. NOT from 194. My doctor did not see me when I was at my heaviest.) I can see these numbers adding up in my head. Though I think when I go back at the end of next month I may have to have weights in my shoe to avoid getting yelled at.... Oops. I’m already ahead of where the doctor thinks I should be ...I’m not going back just to make him happy. I can’t start that trend again

I don't even know where to turn. My doctor told me I *have* to lose 30 lbs in the next 6 months. Or I could go blind. That's not a scare tactic threat either; I have stuff wrong with my optic nerve due to my weight. Nothing like telling this to someone with *my* background. I want to revert to my old eating/exercising habits. I want to so badly. It would be hard, but so much easier than doubting if i can do this healthily. Lord, I'm going to need help.

Sigh. The watch that I wear of Drew's has gone missing. I do NOT think I was the last person to wear it. However, I do feel terrible that it's missing. And part (most) of it has to do with the sentimental value of the watch. I stole it when we started dating much like I stole my highschool boyfriend's class ring. I loved wearing it because it marked me as his. However awful and anti-feminist it sounds I liked being marked.

I'm at home and in tears. I hate that the watch is missing. I hate that the loves of my life cannot be with me. I hate that I've been home for two (almost 3) weeks and want to go back and can't! I hate that I have to work all the time. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of having to explain my actions. I'm tired of not going out, of not seeing people, of essentially being a hermit for the last 2.5 weeks...

beautiful

Drew sits beside me petting our kitten and I don't think I've seen a more beautiful sight. My lover my best friend taking care of our baby. Keeping her safe, like he keeps me safe. Protected from the world. She loves him. More than she loves me. But that's okay. Secretly, she's more his anyway.

I love that man.

I like making people feel better. I really do. I just ... don't anymore. And that makes me feel like I should just give up. I want to reach out I want to not be drowning I want to be happy for more than just a couple minutes at a time.

I had the most wonderful night tonight. That started while I was sitting at home watching CSI Miami with my boy. :) K texted me and asked if I was busy and we had coffee. I haven't seen that girl in forever. I feel a little guilty that the evening with her made me so happy when she is miserable... but it was so nice to see her and so nice to feel like I was needed in someone's life. Sometimes I just don't feel like anybody gives a damn. It was a nice upper. :-)

i'm gonna get a puppy!! a beagle puppy! i'm so excited. :-) it will be my baby. I can't wait til august. I just have to save $400+ by August- that's when the litter will be ready. They're not born yet... but I'm excited anyway. Drew's going to help me save for it. Probably a her. Unless the boy's way cuter. I like girls better. <3 I'm so excited.

On a less positive note...
I have 5 tests in 2 days. *sick* I'm physically exhausted. I want to lay down and sleep for a long time. But I can't. Tuesday I can. I can't wait until Tuesday night.

i want a baby.
and i can't have one.
and so many of my friends from home are having them.
another girl posted ultra sound pictures on facebook today
she's having a little girl.
why are my hormones so ridiculous?
I want to take care of it. I want it to depend on me. I want to be a mommy. . . more than anything.
but i can't. there's just no way I could make it work.

*lays down on the floor and sobs*
I want to know that someone is going to love me. forever.
i thought the girls that thought like this in high school were crazy.
now I'm not so sure...
I'm glad I can't get pregnant right now...or I'd stop trying not to.

It's been forever since I've written anything. So I'm going to try and keep my thoughts as normal and sane and as "in order" as I possibly can.

Let's start with this. I got nominated for "top junior at Drake" and it's an honor to be nominated. I didn't get it. But I was eligible and with my history here that's just phenomenal to me. I'm quite happy. I love life today.

As I was driving I saw a sticker on a rear window "formula feeding is the longest lasting uncontrolled medical experiment lacking informed consent in the history of medicine." the license plate said "midwife". Are you kidding me? That would require me to stay home with my child all the time. I can't do that. (my hypothetical child) I plan on being the breadwinner in my family, and telling me that I will be medically experimenting on my baby pisses me the fuck off.

I'm sick of the drama that surrounds me with Drake. But I'm certain that it will be the same every where else. It's school. Drama seems to follow schools. Drives me up the wall, but I'm just too nice to people. Makes me feel good to think I can help people.

Relays was amazing. I had so much fun catching up with some of the alumni that I've missed so much. Things would have been so much better if my Sonja had been around.. but I mean things were good. I loved it. I don't know that I've had more fun in a long time. I have 32 days left until I'm legal to drink. Which is fun. I can't wait to go sit in a ritzy bar and have a glass of wine and listen to the piano... not that I have the bar picked out... I also can't wait to go to the dirty bars and drink bottle beer because everything else might give me diseases and have fun doing both.

Drew and I are so good. So fabulous and happy and sickening and I love him <3. Just as an update.

One more time;

Once more blue;

One more tear;

One more angry word

The last word on the paper

Smudged, blurry

Worthless, useless flesh

Unnecessary waste of space

Screaming winds of fear

Rarely shift direction

Whipped in the face

Bitingly cold

Never again hurting

Haunting terrors nightly

Screaming sweats

I’m sorry

passion

A kiss on my lips
Nibbling on my ear
Breath upon my breast
grazing across my skin
caressing my folds
sighing in passion

Home

I can't wait to go home to him. That's a good sign right? It has to be a good sign. I didn't used to look forward to it. I want him to hold me and to keep me close to him at night. I want to be his princess I want to be his. That is a definitive plus. I was questioning that. I just need to stop looking at other people.

Valentines was way amazing for me. I mean. Boy and I fought. I spent the majority of the day studying. And crying. And feeling like a terrible girlfriend because I couldn't spend the majority of valentines with him because I was preoccupied and upset about my having to study. But I mean, we went out to dinner. And the dinner was great. The food was delicious. Steak. I had veal chops <3 yummm. And the conversation. Was better than it has been in ages. We talked about our lives we talked about the people that were around us, we laughed, we smiled, and we had a genuinely great time together. And we came home and had fabulous sex. After sex we were supposed to go have a drink and a smoke, but I fell asleep and he totally didn't get mad at me for falling asleep. Isn't that amazing. <3 I love him and I have another hour and a half until I get to go home to him. And then he's going to feed me something. God knows what cuz we don't have any food at our home.

Our home. Ours. Not his. Not mine, but ours. It's a wonderful thought. Our hearts are intertwined and we are so good together right now. <3 I love the idea that when the two of us are together it is home. He has his house, I have my apartment, and we have our home together. <3

I am so hungry. Like rediculously so. I just want to eat something. yumyumyum. I want to ingest food. I haven't eaten in like 8 hours. and i won't get to for another 2.8 at the earliest. *cries* I just want class to be over so I can eat numnums.

I want to be able to study for my finance test and curl up with my grey's anatomy and be happy. And sex and the city. I don't really want to go to Topeka this weekend with the team and I don't want to do anything. Lame.

why am i such a terrible girlfriend? why do i sit here and fantasize about other men? it's terrible... but he's so perfect. gah! his knee touched mine

You know ...
today has been awful. I started with a blaw test
and then took an accounting test, where people are *hoping* they got 50% I'm banking on partial credit getting me at least a D.
and now my back hurts and i'm all stressed out and i haven't looked at auditing yet. and i'm meeting dan at 3:20, which is exciting, but whatevs.
Boy and I are doing better. So other options are less appealing...no matter how cute they are. Boy bought me breakfast this morning. and redbull. and put gas inn my car. What a fucking sweetheart. <3

I'm trying.

I'm trying. I'm trying to make this work. I'm working with some psych friends of mine and they're helping me get through the panic attacks. I really want to feel like I'm gaining control over my life. I really want to feel like I am doing it. Not my therapist, not the drugs I'm (not) taking, not Drew, but me. This is MY journey and I want to do it.

I'm trying to make him happy. I'm trying to convince him that I *am* happy with him, but it's so hard when I'm just plain NOT happy. I'm not happy with life, so how can I stay happy with him. It's not fun for me. I keep looking for inspirational/motivational quotes and articles to try and keep me going through the day, but I'm falling behind in classwork and it's not okay. Not at all. Valentine's Day is Saturday, and even when I'm single, it's one of my favorite holidays because I love the idea of expressing love for one another. I love the way stores decorate for it, I love how excited people get. I love how people spend so long trying to decide on the absolute most perfect gift to get their loved ones... but I'm not excited for it. We're going out for dinner, but big deal. I don't even care right now. And it's not because I don't want to be with him. I *do* love him...I'm just... in a very confused place. I'm trying to make him not feel like a failure as a boyfriend because I'm always sad, but trying almost makes me miserable because it reflects how sad I truly am.

lexapro and selfishness

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I do NOT want to go on lexapro again. I can’t function with it…but I’m having a hard time functioning without it. I’m so sad and upset all the time. I keep thinking about it and it makes things so much worse. I don’t want to be unable to be happy. I don’t want to have to rely on drugs to get through my everyday life. I did that and it sucked! I mean, I got along with my boyfriend then…and I was probably healthier.. but I can’t go back on that medication. I can’t because I hate not being able to be truly happy. I hate my world being beige. I like the highs so much. I hate the lows. Hate them. And they occur more often then the highs. Especially with the fighting with Drew. He’s not helping so much right now. He’s trying. I’m sure he’s trying. But he’s got to be so sick of me. My insane jealousy…my hatred of everything. I just can’t be the girlfriend he needs. I just can’t…and it makes me want to leave. But I’m so fucking selfish and I need him. I don’t know how to get through the day without him and I can’t deal with him not being there. It doesn’t happen. No. I just I can’t think I can’t study I can’t be motivated. I’m terrified. I hate this feeling. I hate the fight last night where he almost asked me to leave. I would have. And I wouldn’t have looked back…but I hate it. It makes me question everything even more. I need him to be there for me…I need him to be supportive. I need him to love me. I need him to be supportive and caring but I can’t ask for that when I can’t be a good girlfriend. I can’t do it. I’m killing the best relationship I’ve ever had with the best man I’ve ever been with because I have no self esteem. I can’t think that I deserve to be with him so it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter. I almost have to leave don’t I? because I can’t be what he deserves…I can’t be the decent respectable girl friend. I can’t do it and I don’t know that I’ll ever be able to.

He forgot about me. He always *always* takes me back to my apt after class and he forgot. I just don't know. I don't want to give up on this. I love him more than anything in the world and i just have to figure myself out i guess.

love...

he's mine. and i'm happy about that. i love him. i just can't deal with this. i can't deal with him thinking i'm not happy. i AM. i'm just *always* sick. I can't stand him thinking it's *his* fault that I'm upset, yet I don't want to confide in him anymore. He gets upset and I don't like him being upset. I just can't do this. I can't.

everything i do
i do it for you

I just want him to know that I hate the way things are. I'm scared they won't change. I'm scared that it just won't matter if I keep trying. Part of me still thinks I should walk away...part of me thinks that I should leave because things haven't been fun for awhile.

I want him to know that I live for him. I want him to know that I am absolutely love him. I want him to know that he makes me happy; but the rest of my life does not. It's not his fault. It's mine. and i hate it. more than anything...

I'm having major trust issues. I can't concentrate and I can't think about almost everything. I just keep thinking that he wants to be with someone else. I haveno proof of this. None. Whatsoever. I just have a feeling. We're not having sex, we're not confiding in each other, we're not hardly dating. We're just... friends. That sleep together at night sometimes. There have been so many times that i have almost walked away.

But he's such a good friend..

net present value, auditing, business law, I DON'T GIVE A FLYING FUCK RIGHT NOW. I'm hung over as hell I feel like shit and I just want to curl up and cry. None of it is important to me right now. Really it's not.

I want to tell you that I'm miserable
So you'll hold me
tell me to stay
tell me that you love me
we can fix this right?
I mean, it's us.

I don't know how. I don't know what to do anymore. I want happy.

I don't understand what's going on. I don't understand because it's unreasonable that you used to talk on the phone in front of me. Now you leave the room. You don't tell me who's on the phone and you're having outlandishly long conversations with this person I don't know. I couldn't tell the gender of the person in the two seconds we were in the same room. You ask why I get so annoyed so easily. I'm sick. I want to be taken care of. I'm stressed. I have a lot to do. I don't understand why you're being so weird...

depressed. :-(

I love him with every fiber of my being...but sometimes I wonder if it's enough. I don't feel "good enough" or like I "deserve" anything he can give to me. I want to stay in bed. Not because I'm tired but because I don't want to do anything. I don't want to get out of bed, I don't want to go to class, I don't want to care.

I put on a happy face. I try and convince him nothing's wrong. I know I'm failing. I don't want to go back on those meds. I can't be sad on them. Being sad is a comforting feeling. It's one that I'm used to, that I understand. I try and convince him I'm happy; he wants so badly to see me smile. And I love him...so I just want to give him what he wants. But I can't. I can't give him anything Because everything I am to him right now is a lie. I'm not a happy person. I don't like to smile. I don't care about hardly anything right now. I *want* to be happy again...but not if it means taking those meds. I want to be able to be myself around him...because that's important. It's important to be honest and be yourself with your parter.

But damnit he hates it so much when I'm sad. And I like it so much when he's happy.

It's the first week of class and I'm already sick of homework. I hate life.

Let's start it off with, are you available?
no. definitely not


Are there any stressful situations in your life?
yes



Do you enjoy late night phone conversations?
so much



Do you have any pet fish?
No




Do you go to the bathroom with the door open or closed?
usually closed



Do you dance in the car?
Yes


Is there someone you don't ever want to be out of your life?
Of course there is


Where did you get your last bruise from?
my dad probably
when i punched him.



Have you ever thought you were gonna die?
Yes.



Is there somone in your life right now that is a real possibility of getting married to?
yes.



How do you feel about girls smoking?
Whatev



Do you get along more with girls or guys?
Guys




What are you currently hearing right now?
silence. i enjoy it once in awhile





Is there a person of the opposite sex who means a lot to you?
def.






What brand of digital camera do you have?
sony.



Would you rather marry a football player or a basketball player?
I like the non-athletic type, thx.



Is there a reason for your MySpace song?
probably



Do you and your boyfriend or girlfriend have a song?
<3 yes


When was the last time you saw your mom?
Tonight


Do you drink soda?
Rarely




Anyone crushing on you?
Yes

Has anyone ever sang to you?
Yes




Anyone given you roses?
<3



How do you make your money?
whoring myself out ;-)




First person to text you today?
cody.



What is your favorite color?
pink



What color are your eyes?
brown



Whens your next vacation?
No idea


What would your last name be if you married the last person you texted?
hillman


Do people tend to walk all over you?
not usually






If you were kicked out of your current residence whom would you call?
drew


When's the next time you'll see your closest friend?this summer



What was the last reason that you cried?
stupid ex gfs


Does it take a lot to make you cry?
Not at all





You have siblings over the age of 21?
No


What is your favorite kind of weather?
early summer



Are you a loud person?
lots of times


Would you trade lives with a famous person?
nope.







Are you wearing any jewelry?
ring


Do you have a hard time admitting you're wrong?
yes




When was the last time you slept on the floor?
dont remember




Will you have a valentine this year?
Probably :)

Make me yours

I want to be his. Right now I want to be his forever. I want to be his wife, and the mother of his children. I want to know that this is the way it's going to be and that he will love me for always. I want to be his princess for the rest of my life. <3

It hurts. When he goes out with her. But it hurts less than it used to. Caiti and K are some of the best take my mind off of things people I could ask for. They let me vent and then the subject changes with K and Caiti and I talk about nasty terrible exes. I wish I could handle problems on my own. I wish I knew how to distract myself for three hours. But I can't. I don't know how. I'm not that strong.

Ready​ for kids?​​​
not ready. but i *do* want them



What'​​​s 1 thing​ you do when you'​​​re mad?
Cry



Ever been calle​d a bitch​ ?
all the time.




Do you like where​ you live?​​​
Sure



How often​ do you lose your voice​ ?
Rarely
but I do come close




How many kids do you want?​​​
two



How'​​​s your siste​r?​​​
gone



Are you a good babys​itter​ ?
always<3



How'​​​s your mood?​​​
Bored




Do you have a job?
not right now



Do you worry​ your ex will move on and be happi​er with anoth​er perso​n?
Hope he does



When'​​​s the next time you'​​​ll see your close​st frien​d?​​​
this summer... :-(



Do you have any plans​ for the weeke​nd?​​​
no real ones



When is the last time you saw numbe​r 1 on your top frien​ds?​​​
a month ago..



Is the last perso​n you kisse​d mad at you?
No



Who last calle​d you babe or baby?​​​
drew



If your ex REALL​Y neede​d you at 3 am, would​ you go to his/​​​her house​;
yes. jord and i get along well.



When was the last time you wante​d to punch​ someo​ne in their​ face?​
Today. lol i was pissed. and it was a random stupid bitch at hyvee. i didn't know her




When was the last time you talke​d to your numbe​r 2 in perso​n?​​​
hmm...don't remember who number 2 is



Hones​tly,​​​ has anyon​e seen you in your under​wear in the past 3 month​s?​​​
Yes



Hones​tly,​​​ if you could​ go back 5 month​s and chang​e somet​hing would​ you?
No



Do you have cloth​es that you wear with the purpo​se of getti​ng atten​tion?​​​
yes



Next time you will kiss someo​ne on the lips?​​​
Soon, I hope


Who is on your mind?​​​
a lot of stuff..




Have you learn​ed any lesso​ns in life?​​​
Obviously


How do you feel about​ your hair right​ now?
i need to shower



Have you ever had someo​ne sing to you?
Yes


Are you datin​g the perso​n you text most?​​​
No



Three​ hours​ ago, were you touch​ing a perso​n of the oppos​ite sex?
No



Where​ did you get the shirt​ you'​​​re weari​ng?​​​
SD


Last perso​n who told you thing​s were going​ to be okay?​​​
Drew



Be hones​t,​​​ do you like peopl​e in gener​al?​​​
No



Recen​tly kisse​d anyon​e with the name start​ing with a B?
Not recently



Did you kiss or hug anyon​e today​ ?
No


Would​ you get back with your last ex if they asked​ you?
no



What'​​​s somet​hing you reall​y want right​ now, be hones​t?​​​
A hug



When was the last time you had butte​rflie​s in your stoma​ch?​​​
awhile ago


What are you liste​ning to right​ now?
veronicas



Where​ were you at midni​ght last night​?​​​
Home


How many 20 dolla​r bills​ do you have on you right​ now?
three



Does anybo​dy hate you?
Yeah


Do you like anyon​e?​​​
You could say that.




Who was the last perso​n you shot a dirty​ look at?
Idk


Is there​ someo​ne that makes​ you happy​ every​ time you speak​ with them?​​​
Yeah



Did anyon​e yell at you today​ ?
Yes



Have you lost a best frien​d in the past year?​​​
Thankfully



Are you happi​er now or three​ month​s ago?
Now



Is there​ somet​hing you'​​​re looki​ng forwa​rd to this month​?​​​
No


Would​ you rathe​r your lover​ have gorge​ous eyes or a gorge​ous smile​
eyes



Are you texti​ng anybo​dy?​​​
Not at the moment



How many texts​ are in your inbox​ ?
Idk



Are you mad at someo​ne right​ now?
No



When was the last time you saw numbe​r 3 on your top frien​d?​​​
yesterday



Who did you spend​ your summe​r with?​​​
my family


Do you still​ talk to the first​ perso​n you kisse​d?​​​
yes. well my first real kiss. my "first first" kiss was in kindergarten and i don't remember it. (thank god- he's now a sex offender...sick.) and my "first" kiss was regrettable



Are you a jealo​us perso​n?​​​
Very



Have you ever had a best frien​d who was of the oppos​ite sex?
Yes



Has any one said they love you in the last week?​​​
yes



Say you marry​ the last perso​n you texte​d,​​​ what'​​​s your new last name?​​​
Hillman <3

"I feel so untouched and I want you so much that I just can't resist you. It's not enough to say that I miss you."

I just want to fall asleep in his arms. I want to cuddle I want to dance, I want to eat, to be with him. I can't wait for tomorrow morning. But somehow I have to.

Yet I still haven't decided. I don't know that I'm in the right place. But I guess I'm having fun. So that means Yes?

Saturday. definitely saturday. an execution date. returning to my life. i don't know which it is. i miss him. and he tells me not to worry. but god damnit i'm so scared. why did we have to have that stupid fucking fight right before i came back to webster. i miss him

my puppy's sick. she's feverish and sleeps all the time. She won't eat and she won't drink and i'm scared for her.

(sorry to K who's going to be nuts when she reads these and notices the lack of grammer. i'm not writing to write. i'm just ... it's what's on my mind)

I don't want to lose my boy.

And I don't want to lose my puppy.

sex on fire. god i miss having good sex. i want to go home. so badly. maybe tomorrow i'll finally have my chance. maybe i'll get to see him again. why does this feel like an addiction. I know i love him. I know i want to be with him. i just don't know that its the right decision i just can't believe that i'm not supposed to be with someone that makes me so happy. i just want to cuddle and makeout and be happy. i just want to see him. i want him. only him. i don't even really see other guys. if it's pointed out to me i can say that they're attractive but attractive isn't what i need. i need security and he gives me that and more. i miss him. i just need to be in his arms. i need to be alive again. without him...i don't feel alive. i don't feel like myself. i'm lost and i don't know what to do. i hate that feeling.

pretend

Hold me close to you
Let's pretend to be normal
Things are okay
just for tonight.

Breathe deeply love
It's the last time this evening
Enjoy it now, it won't last
Pretend that we're fine

I won't cry this time
When I walk away
I know it has to be this way
I'm sorry.
I'll always love you.

invincible

<3
Love I always thought we were
so perfectly fit
such a good match
I always loved you
invincible love
So scared to return
to be heartbroken

thought we were better
than the others
we talked; we made love
never an issue
our love invincible

impossible we're over
i can't survive
please don't yell
i love you
i always will my boy
we had an invincible love

I don;'t know what it is about coming back home. I'm scared. Scared that he won't love me. Scared that I'm not important. Scared that somehow things are different.

I want to be the badass confident girl I was as a freshman.

But I don't know that she ever really existed. She had disordered eating. Didn't eat for days...and then binged on everything she could get her hands on. She needed multiple men to validate self-worth. She was hot as hell, but only cared about being wanted. She was skinny...but didn't care about others. Not like I do now.

I don't know how to even temporarily channel that girl. I don't *really* know that I want to...but I want my self-confidence back. I want to be able to *really* be happy again.

thinking about life I guess

Drama. I can't believe I put up with so much of it for so long. I don't care who you date. I don't care where you work. And I don't care who your exes are.

I do care that my friends are treated fairly. I care enough to make friends with who you're dating. And if and when you break up- that doesn't break up any friendships I've formed. You are going to have to deal with that. I care that my friends don't get thrown out of parties with no reason basis for being thrown out. I care when you're having problems. I can be the first person that you go to when you're upset. I will be. I love helping people.

I hate that it gets me down. I hate that I care too much. I hate that you blame the bad events on me after you call me to help you clean them up. They weren't my fault in the first place. I hate that you won't talk to me after all we went through together. I think that it's bullshit.

But, in reality, I'm better off now than I ever was. I'm happy. The time I spend with Drew now isn't spent complaining about your problems. I can deal with my own life. I can take care of myself. I'm much more independent than when you were in my life. He's happier with me than he ever was when you were in my life. I don't miss the drama that you caused. I don't know why I put up with it for so damn long.

abcs of me

A
- Available: no. defnitely not
- Age: 20
- Annoyance: liars

B
- Birthday/Birthplace: may 30 1988 clarion, IA
- Best Friends: all of them that i can trust. but especially miss sonja
- Body Part on opposite sex: personality. definite.
- Best feeling in the world: safety.
- Blind or Deaf: blind
- Best weather: late spring
- Been in Love: yes
- Been bitched out?: haven't we all
- Been on stage?: yeah i used to love that.
- Believe in yourself?: usually
- Believe in life on other planets: its possible
- Believe in miracles: of course
- Believe in Magic: sure
- Believe in God: yes
- Believe in Santa: yes ;-)
- Believe in Ghosts/spirits: some days

C
- Candy: heath bars. <3
- Color: pink and black
- Cried in school: yes i have before
- Chocolate/Vanilla: vanilla today
- Chinese/Mexican: mexican. definite.
- Cake or pie: pie

D
- Day or Night: night
- Dream vehicle: Corvette z06, Ferrari (aw drew would be so proud.),a jeep cherokee (i think is what Doug drives in the winter. I fit in that car nicely)
- Danced: yes.
- Dance in the rain?: yes

E
- Eggs: I'll usually pass
- Eyes: change with my mood/amount of sleep
- Everyone has a: secret

F
- First crush: uhh levi
- Full name: danielle jeanne wagner
- First thoughts waking up: i have to go with

G
- Greatest Fear: being alone
- Giver or taker: depends on the day
- Goals: success and family
- Gum: winterfresh
- Get along with your parents?: most of the time
- Good luck charm: my rings

H
- Hair Colour: light brown/blonde
- Height: 5'4
- Happy: yes
- Holiday: christmas
- How do you want to die: the less pain the better
- Health freak?: eh, not really
- Hate: her.

I
- Ice Cream: carmel de leche
- Instrument: guitar. but i can't play

J
- Jewelry: rings
- Job: school

K
- Kids: hopefully
- Kickboxing or karate: kickboxing
- Keep a journal? yes

L
- Longest Car Ride: black hills
- Love: my friends and family
- Laughed so hard you cried: many times
- Love at first sight: it happens

M
- Milk flavor: chocolate
- Movie: oooo funny ones
- Mooned anyone?: not recently
- Marriage: yes
- Motion sickness? nah

N
- Number of Siblings: 1 brother 1 sister
- Number of Piercings: 6
- Number: 13

O
- Overused Phrases: fair enough
- One wish: to grow old with the one I love

P
- Place you’d like to live: midewest
- Perfect Pizza: pepperoni, sausage, canadian bacon
- Pepsi/Coke: pepsi

Q
- Quail: bird?
- Questionaires: good for wasting time

R
- Reason to cry: something big happened, losing someone, upset
- Reality T.V.: meh
- Radio Station: 107.5
- Roll your tongue in a circle? no

S
- Song: womanizer, if i were a boy, all single ladies
- Shoe size:8
- Salad Dressing: ranch
- Sushi: its alright
- Skipped school: yessum
- Slept outside: yep
- Seen a dead body? yes
- Smoked?: yes
- Skinny dipped? nope want to go with me
- Shower daily? yup
- Sing well?: some days
- In the shower? well of course
- Swear?: like a fucking sailor
- Stuffed Animals?: yesssss
- Strawberries/Blueberries: strawberries

T
- Time for bed: between 11-2
- Thunderstorms: hate them
- TV: meh i love it but dont watch much durin the school
- Touch your tongue to your nose:? no

U
- Unpredictable: some people think so

V
- Vegetable you hate: all of them?!
- Vegetable you love: potatoes
- Vacation spot: oo i dont kno. somewhere warm

W
- Weakness: forgive too easy
- When you grow up: i want to have a successful career and be married to a wonderful man
- Which one of your friends acts the most like you: sonja. definite.
- Who makes you laugh the most: jennifer
- Worst feeling: being hurt
- Wanted to be a model?: nope
- Where do we go when we die: heaven
- Worst weather: freezing rain

X
-X-Rays: yep

Y
-Year it is now: 2009
-Yellow: sun

Z
- Zoo animal: lions. and penguins <3
- Zodiac sign: gemini

LAST PERSON WHO…
1. Slept in a bed beside you? Syd
2. Last person to see you cry? Syd
3. Went to the movies with you? trevor
4. You went to the mall with? mom
5. You went to dinner with? Mom
6. You talked to on the phone? Drew
7. Made you laugh? Kagima!!