depressed. :-(

I love him with every fiber of my being...but sometimes I wonder if it's enough. I don't feel "good enough" or like I "deserve" anything he can give to me. I want to stay in bed. Not because I'm tired but because I don't want to do anything. I don't want to get out of bed, I don't want to go to class, I don't want to care.

I put on a happy face. I try and convince him nothing's wrong. I know I'm failing. I don't want to go back on those meds. I can't be sad on them. Being sad is a comforting feeling. It's one that I'm used to, that I understand. I try and convince him I'm happy; he wants so badly to see me smile. And I love him...so I just want to give him what he wants. But I can't. I can't give him anything Because everything I am to him right now is a lie. I'm not a happy person. I don't like to smile. I don't care about hardly anything right now. I *want* to be happy again...but not if it means taking those meds. I want to be able to be myself around him...because that's important. It's important to be honest and be yourself with your parter.

But damnit he hates it so much when I'm sad. And I like it so much when he's happy.

It's the first week of class and I'm already sick of homework. I hate life.

Let's start it off with, are you available?
no. definitely not


Are there any stressful situations in your life?
yes



Do you enjoy late night phone conversations?
so much



Do you have any pet fish?
No




Do you go to the bathroom with the door open or closed?
usually closed



Do you dance in the car?
Yes


Is there someone you don't ever want to be out of your life?
Of course there is


Where did you get your last bruise from?
my dad probably
when i punched him.



Have you ever thought you were gonna die?
Yes.



Is there somone in your life right now that is a real possibility of getting married to?
yes.



How do you feel about girls smoking?
Whatev



Do you get along more with girls or guys?
Guys




What are you currently hearing right now?
silence. i enjoy it once in awhile





Is there a person of the opposite sex who means a lot to you?
def.






What brand of digital camera do you have?
sony.



Would you rather marry a football player or a basketball player?
I like the non-athletic type, thx.



Is there a reason for your MySpace song?
probably



Do you and your boyfriend or girlfriend have a song?
<3 yes


When was the last time you saw your mom?
Tonight


Do you drink soda?
Rarely




Anyone crushing on you?
Yes

Has anyone ever sang to you?
Yes




Anyone given you roses?
<3



How do you make your money?
whoring myself out ;-)




First person to text you today?
cody.



What is your favorite color?
pink



What color are your eyes?
brown



Whens your next vacation?
No idea


What would your last name be if you married the last person you texted?
hillman


Do people tend to walk all over you?
not usually






If you were kicked out of your current residence whom would you call?
drew


When's the next time you'll see your closest friend?this summer



What was the last reason that you cried?
stupid ex gfs


Does it take a lot to make you cry?
Not at all





You have siblings over the age of 21?
No


What is your favorite kind of weather?
early summer



Are you a loud person?
lots of times


Would you trade lives with a famous person?
nope.







Are you wearing any jewelry?
ring


Do you have a hard time admitting you're wrong?
yes




When was the last time you slept on the floor?
dont remember




Will you have a valentine this year?
Probably :)

Make me yours

I want to be his. Right now I want to be his forever. I want to be his wife, and the mother of his children. I want to know that this is the way it's going to be and that he will love me for always. I want to be his princess for the rest of my life. <3

It hurts. When he goes out with her. But it hurts less than it used to. Caiti and K are some of the best take my mind off of things people I could ask for. They let me vent and then the subject changes with K and Caiti and I talk about nasty terrible exes. I wish I could handle problems on my own. I wish I knew how to distract myself for three hours. But I can't. I don't know how. I'm not that strong.

Ready​ for kids?​​​
not ready. but i *do* want them



What'​​​s 1 thing​ you do when you'​​​re mad?
Cry



Ever been calle​d a bitch​ ?
all the time.




Do you like where​ you live?​​​
Sure



How often​ do you lose your voice​ ?
Rarely
but I do come close




How many kids do you want?​​​
two



How'​​​s your siste​r?​​​
gone



Are you a good babys​itter​ ?
always<3



How'​​​s your mood?​​​
Bored




Do you have a job?
not right now



Do you worry​ your ex will move on and be happi​er with anoth​er perso​n?
Hope he does



When'​​​s the next time you'​​​ll see your close​st frien​d?​​​
this summer... :-(



Do you have any plans​ for the weeke​nd?​​​
no real ones



When is the last time you saw numbe​r 1 on your top frien​ds?​​​
a month ago..



Is the last perso​n you kisse​d mad at you?
No



Who last calle​d you babe or baby?​​​
drew



If your ex REALL​Y neede​d you at 3 am, would​ you go to his/​​​her house​;
yes. jord and i get along well.



When was the last time you wante​d to punch​ someo​ne in their​ face?​
Today. lol i was pissed. and it was a random stupid bitch at hyvee. i didn't know her




When was the last time you talke​d to your numbe​r 2 in perso​n?​​​
hmm...don't remember who number 2 is



Hones​tly,​​​ has anyon​e seen you in your under​wear in the past 3 month​s?​​​
Yes



Hones​tly,​​​ if you could​ go back 5 month​s and chang​e somet​hing would​ you?
No



Do you have cloth​es that you wear with the purpo​se of getti​ng atten​tion?​​​
yes



Next time you will kiss someo​ne on the lips?​​​
Soon, I hope


Who is on your mind?​​​
a lot of stuff..




Have you learn​ed any lesso​ns in life?​​​
Obviously


How do you feel about​ your hair right​ now?
i need to shower



Have you ever had someo​ne sing to you?
Yes


Are you datin​g the perso​n you text most?​​​
No



Three​ hours​ ago, were you touch​ing a perso​n of the oppos​ite sex?
No



Where​ did you get the shirt​ you'​​​re weari​ng?​​​
SD


Last perso​n who told you thing​s were going​ to be okay?​​​
Drew



Be hones​t,​​​ do you like peopl​e in gener​al?​​​
No



Recen​tly kisse​d anyon​e with the name start​ing with a B?
Not recently



Did you kiss or hug anyon​e today​ ?
No


Would​ you get back with your last ex if they asked​ you?
no



What'​​​s somet​hing you reall​y want right​ now, be hones​t?​​​
A hug



When was the last time you had butte​rflie​s in your stoma​ch?​​​
awhile ago


What are you liste​ning to right​ now?
veronicas



Where​ were you at midni​ght last night​?​​​
Home


How many 20 dolla​r bills​ do you have on you right​ now?
three



Does anybo​dy hate you?
Yeah


Do you like anyon​e?​​​
You could say that.




Who was the last perso​n you shot a dirty​ look at?
Idk


Is there​ someo​ne that makes​ you happy​ every​ time you speak​ with them?​​​
Yeah



Did anyon​e yell at you today​ ?
Yes



Have you lost a best frien​d in the past year?​​​
Thankfully



Are you happi​er now or three​ month​s ago?
Now



Is there​ somet​hing you'​​​re looki​ng forwa​rd to this month​?​​​
No


Would​ you rathe​r your lover​ have gorge​ous eyes or a gorge​ous smile​
eyes



Are you texti​ng anybo​dy?​​​
Not at the moment



How many texts​ are in your inbox​ ?
Idk



Are you mad at someo​ne right​ now?
No



When was the last time you saw numbe​r 3 on your top frien​d?​​​
yesterday



Who did you spend​ your summe​r with?​​​
my family


Do you still​ talk to the first​ perso​n you kisse​d?​​​
yes. well my first real kiss. my "first first" kiss was in kindergarten and i don't remember it. (thank god- he's now a sex offender...sick.) and my "first" kiss was regrettable



Are you a jealo​us perso​n?​​​
Very



Have you ever had a best frien​d who was of the oppos​ite sex?
Yes



Has any one said they love you in the last week?​​​
yes



Say you marry​ the last perso​n you texte​d,​​​ what'​​​s your new last name?​​​
Hillman <3

"I feel so untouched and I want you so much that I just can't resist you. It's not enough to say that I miss you."

I just want to fall asleep in his arms. I want to cuddle I want to dance, I want to eat, to be with him. I can't wait for tomorrow morning. But somehow I have to.

Yet I still haven't decided. I don't know that I'm in the right place. But I guess I'm having fun. So that means Yes?

Saturday. definitely saturday. an execution date. returning to my life. i don't know which it is. i miss him. and he tells me not to worry. but god damnit i'm so scared. why did we have to have that stupid fucking fight right before i came back to webster. i miss him

my puppy's sick. she's feverish and sleeps all the time. She won't eat and she won't drink and i'm scared for her.

(sorry to K who's going to be nuts when she reads these and notices the lack of grammer. i'm not writing to write. i'm just ... it's what's on my mind)

I don't want to lose my boy.

And I don't want to lose my puppy.

sex on fire. god i miss having good sex. i want to go home. so badly. maybe tomorrow i'll finally have my chance. maybe i'll get to see him again. why does this feel like an addiction. I know i love him. I know i want to be with him. i just don't know that its the right decision i just can't believe that i'm not supposed to be with someone that makes me so happy. i just want to cuddle and makeout and be happy. i just want to see him. i want him. only him. i don't even really see other guys. if it's pointed out to me i can say that they're attractive but attractive isn't what i need. i need security and he gives me that and more. i miss him. i just need to be in his arms. i need to be alive again. without him...i don't feel alive. i don't feel like myself. i'm lost and i don't know what to do. i hate that feeling.

pretend

Hold me close to you
Let's pretend to be normal
Things are okay
just for tonight.

Breathe deeply love
It's the last time this evening
Enjoy it now, it won't last
Pretend that we're fine

I won't cry this time
When I walk away
I know it has to be this way
I'm sorry.
I'll always love you.

invincible

<3
Love I always thought we were
so perfectly fit
such a good match
I always loved you
invincible love
So scared to return
to be heartbroken

thought we were better
than the others
we talked; we made love
never an issue
our love invincible

impossible we're over
i can't survive
please don't yell
i love you
i always will my boy
we had an invincible love

I don;'t know what it is about coming back home. I'm scared. Scared that he won't love me. Scared that I'm not important. Scared that somehow things are different.

I want to be the badass confident girl I was as a freshman.

But I don't know that she ever really existed. She had disordered eating. Didn't eat for days...and then binged on everything she could get her hands on. She needed multiple men to validate self-worth. She was hot as hell, but only cared about being wanted. She was skinny...but didn't care about others. Not like I do now.

I don't know how to even temporarily channel that girl. I don't *really* know that I want to...but I want my self-confidence back. I want to be able to *really* be happy again.

thinking about life I guess

Drama. I can't believe I put up with so much of it for so long. I don't care who you date. I don't care where you work. And I don't care who your exes are.

I do care that my friends are treated fairly. I care enough to make friends with who you're dating. And if and when you break up- that doesn't break up any friendships I've formed. You are going to have to deal with that. I care that my friends don't get thrown out of parties with no reason basis for being thrown out. I care when you're having problems. I can be the first person that you go to when you're upset. I will be. I love helping people.

I hate that it gets me down. I hate that I care too much. I hate that you blame the bad events on me after you call me to help you clean them up. They weren't my fault in the first place. I hate that you won't talk to me after all we went through together. I think that it's bullshit.

But, in reality, I'm better off now than I ever was. I'm happy. The time I spend with Drew now isn't spent complaining about your problems. I can deal with my own life. I can take care of myself. I'm much more independent than when you were in my life. He's happier with me than he ever was when you were in my life. I don't miss the drama that you caused. I don't know why I put up with it for so damn long.

abcs of me

A
- Available: no. defnitely not
- Age: 20
- Annoyance: liars

B
- Birthday/Birthplace: may 30 1988 clarion, IA
- Best Friends: all of them that i can trust. but especially miss sonja
- Body Part on opposite sex: personality. definite.
- Best feeling in the world: safety.
- Blind or Deaf: blind
- Best weather: late spring
- Been in Love: yes
- Been bitched out?: haven't we all
- Been on stage?: yeah i used to love that.
- Believe in yourself?: usually
- Believe in life on other planets: its possible
- Believe in miracles: of course
- Believe in Magic: sure
- Believe in God: yes
- Believe in Santa: yes ;-)
- Believe in Ghosts/spirits: some days

C
- Candy: heath bars. <3
- Color: pink and black
- Cried in school: yes i have before
- Chocolate/Vanilla: vanilla today
- Chinese/Mexican: mexican. definite.
- Cake or pie: pie

D
- Day or Night: night
- Dream vehicle: Corvette z06, Ferrari (aw drew would be so proud.),a jeep cherokee (i think is what Doug drives in the winter. I fit in that car nicely)
- Danced: yes.
- Dance in the rain?: yes

E
- Eggs: I'll usually pass
- Eyes: change with my mood/amount of sleep
- Everyone has a: secret

F
- First crush: uhh levi
- Full name: danielle jeanne wagner
- First thoughts waking up: i have to go with

G
- Greatest Fear: being alone
- Giver or taker: depends on the day
- Goals: success and family
- Gum: winterfresh
- Get along with your parents?: most of the time
- Good luck charm: my rings

H
- Hair Colour: light brown/blonde
- Height: 5'4
- Happy: yes
- Holiday: christmas
- How do you want to die: the less pain the better
- Health freak?: eh, not really
- Hate: her.

I
- Ice Cream: carmel de leche
- Instrument: guitar. but i can't play

J
- Jewelry: rings
- Job: school

K
- Kids: hopefully
- Kickboxing or karate: kickboxing
- Keep a journal? yes

L
- Longest Car Ride: black hills
- Love: my friends and family
- Laughed so hard you cried: many times
- Love at first sight: it happens

M
- Milk flavor: chocolate
- Movie: oooo funny ones
- Mooned anyone?: not recently
- Marriage: yes
- Motion sickness? nah

N
- Number of Siblings: 1 brother 1 sister
- Number of Piercings: 6
- Number: 13

O
- Overused Phrases: fair enough
- One wish: to grow old with the one I love

P
- Place you’d like to live: midewest
- Perfect Pizza: pepperoni, sausage, canadian bacon
- Pepsi/Coke: pepsi

Q
- Quail: bird?
- Questionaires: good for wasting time

R
- Reason to cry: something big happened, losing someone, upset
- Reality T.V.: meh
- Radio Station: 107.5
- Roll your tongue in a circle? no

S
- Song: womanizer, if i were a boy, all single ladies
- Shoe size:8
- Salad Dressing: ranch
- Sushi: its alright
- Skipped school: yessum
- Slept outside: yep
- Seen a dead body? yes
- Smoked?: yes
- Skinny dipped? nope want to go with me
- Shower daily? yup
- Sing well?: some days
- In the shower? well of course
- Swear?: like a fucking sailor
- Stuffed Animals?: yesssss
- Strawberries/Blueberries: strawberries

T
- Time for bed: between 11-2
- Thunderstorms: hate them
- TV: meh i love it but dont watch much durin the school
- Touch your tongue to your nose:? no

U
- Unpredictable: some people think so

V
- Vegetable you hate: all of them?!
- Vegetable you love: potatoes
- Vacation spot: oo i dont kno. somewhere warm

W
- Weakness: forgive too easy
- When you grow up: i want to have a successful career and be married to a wonderful man
- Which one of your friends acts the most like you: sonja. definite.
- Who makes you laugh the most: jennifer
- Worst feeling: being hurt
- Wanted to be a model?: nope
- Where do we go when we die: heaven
- Worst weather: freezing rain

X
-X-Rays: yep

Y
-Year it is now: 2009
-Yellow: sun

Z
- Zoo animal: lions. and penguins <3
- Zodiac sign: gemini

LAST PERSON WHO…
1. Slept in a bed beside you? Syd
2. Last person to see you cry? Syd
3. Went to the movies with you? trevor
4. You went to the mall with? mom
5. You went to dinner with? Mom
6. You talked to on the phone? Drew
7. Made you laugh? Kagima!!