Today really sucks. I’m not really certain as to why... but it really sucks. I’m trying to let myself let things fall into place but it’s so damn hard. Drew can’t make me feel better... I can’t think straight... I can’t hardly function. (Disclaimer: am in Geology... I never function well in geology) I can’t hardly think. I want to cry I want to break down and I want to beat the fuck out of something. That sounds like a great time. I want to run away. Please. Let me leave. I just want to get the hell out! I want to cry and not stop. My heart feels broken and nobody’s done anything. I want to just leave. I want to run and never slow down.

I'm lost. I can't think straight. I just want to run away, I want to collapse. I want my week to be over. I want to run and run and never come back. I love him so much. But I want to run. I want to run so badly; not because I don't want him in my life. He can come with. I just don't want to be at Drake. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of everything.

On a second note, my lovely boyfriend bought me Colbie's new CD at best buy this morning. AND we're going ladies golf club shopping this afternoon. Isn't that exciting? LOL I'm trying so hard to be good at it; he really likes golfing....

169.4. That’s what I weighed today. It’s beautiful. I saw James today for the first time this semester. He was very impressed with how I’m looking. It made me feel *really* good. I’m also wearing my first size 9 jeans. Single digits. God that feels great. They’re the only 9’s that fit right now, but I’m doing so well. I started out at 194. So now I have only 39.4 lbs left. That means I’m getting close to the midway point with the amount of weight that I needed to lose. I’m at 24.6 now. 8 more lbs and I’m halfway there. It shouldn’t take that long. Another month or so.... But I’ve lost the 24.6 since the beginning of July. So, even though that’s not quite a healthy amount to lose in 2 months, I’m okay with that. If I could keep that pace, I would be completely happy. Unfortunately, as I have to pick up the amount of exercise and eat less as I weigh less, I can’t keep up that pace. My doctor told me to only lose 5 lbs a month, but I kind of felt like that was a boring amount of weight and that I could do better than that. I’m certain that I can. He told me 30 lbs in 6 months. I want to do it in half the time. (30 lbs from 178. NOT from 194. My doctor did not see me when I was at my heaviest.) I can see these numbers adding up in my head. Though I think when I go back at the end of next month I may have to have weights in my shoe to avoid getting yelled at.... Oops. I’m already ahead of where the doctor thinks I should be ...I’m not going back just to make him happy. I can’t start that trend again

I don't even know where to turn. My doctor told me I *have* to lose 30 lbs in the next 6 months. Or I could go blind. That's not a scare tactic threat either; I have stuff wrong with my optic nerve due to my weight. Nothing like telling this to someone with *my* background. I want to revert to my old eating/exercising habits. I want to so badly. It would be hard, but so much easier than doubting if i can do this healthily. Lord, I'm going to need help.

Sigh. The watch that I wear of Drew's has gone missing. I do NOT think I was the last person to wear it. However, I do feel terrible that it's missing. And part (most) of it has to do with the sentimental value of the watch. I stole it when we started dating much like I stole my highschool boyfriend's class ring. I loved wearing it because it marked me as his. However awful and anti-feminist it sounds I liked being marked.

I'm at home and in tears. I hate that the watch is missing. I hate that the loves of my life cannot be with me. I hate that I've been home for two (almost 3) weeks and want to go back and can't! I hate that I have to work all the time. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of having to explain my actions. I'm tired of not going out, of not seeing people, of essentially being a hermit for the last 2.5 weeks...