I like making people feel better. I really do. I just ... don't anymore. And that makes me feel like I should just give up. I want to reach out I want to not be drowning I want to be happy for more than just a couple minutes at a time.

I had the most wonderful night tonight. That started while I was sitting at home watching CSI Miami with my boy. :) K texted me and asked if I was busy and we had coffee. I haven't seen that girl in forever. I feel a little guilty that the evening with her made me so happy when she is miserable... but it was so nice to see her and so nice to feel like I was needed in someone's life. Sometimes I just don't feel like anybody gives a damn. It was a nice upper. :-)

i'm gonna get a puppy!! a beagle puppy! i'm so excited. :-) it will be my baby. I can't wait til august. I just have to save $400+ by August- that's when the litter will be ready. They're not born yet... but I'm excited anyway. Drew's going to help me save for it. Probably a her. Unless the boy's way cuter. I like girls better. <3 I'm so excited.

On a less positive note...
I have 5 tests in 2 days. *sick* I'm physically exhausted. I want to lay down and sleep for a long time. But I can't. Tuesday I can. I can't wait until Tuesday night.

i want a baby.
and i can't have one.
and so many of my friends from home are having them.
another girl posted ultra sound pictures on facebook today
she's having a little girl.
why are my hormones so ridiculous?
I want to take care of it. I want it to depend on me. I want to be a mommy. . . more than anything.
but i can't. there's just no way I could make it work.

*lays down on the floor and sobs*
I want to know that someone is going to love me. forever.
i thought the girls that thought like this in high school were crazy.
now I'm not so sure...
I'm glad I can't get pregnant right now...or I'd stop trying not to.