passion

A kiss on my lips
Nibbling on my ear
Breath upon my breast
grazing across my skin
caressing my folds
sighing in passion

Home

I can't wait to go home to him. That's a good sign right? It has to be a good sign. I didn't used to look forward to it. I want him to hold me and to keep me close to him at night. I want to be his princess I want to be his. That is a definitive plus. I was questioning that. I just need to stop looking at other people.

Valentines was way amazing for me. I mean. Boy and I fought. I spent the majority of the day studying. And crying. And feeling like a terrible girlfriend because I couldn't spend the majority of valentines with him because I was preoccupied and upset about my having to study. But I mean, we went out to dinner. And the dinner was great. The food was delicious. Steak. I had veal chops <3 yummm. And the conversation. Was better than it has been in ages. We talked about our lives we talked about the people that were around us, we laughed, we smiled, and we had a genuinely great time together. And we came home and had fabulous sex. After sex we were supposed to go have a drink and a smoke, but I fell asleep and he totally didn't get mad at me for falling asleep. Isn't that amazing. <3 I love him and I have another hour and a half until I get to go home to him. And then he's going to feed me something. God knows what cuz we don't have any food at our home.

Our home. Ours. Not his. Not mine, but ours. It's a wonderful thought. Our hearts are intertwined and we are so good together right now. <3 I love the idea that when the two of us are together it is home. He has his house, I have my apartment, and we have our home together. <3

I am so hungry. Like rediculously so. I just want to eat something. yumyumyum. I want to ingest food. I haven't eaten in like 8 hours. and i won't get to for another 2.8 at the earliest. *cries* I just want class to be over so I can eat numnums.

I want to be able to study for my finance test and curl up with my grey's anatomy and be happy. And sex and the city. I don't really want to go to Topeka this weekend with the team and I don't want to do anything. Lame.

why am i such a terrible girlfriend? why do i sit here and fantasize about other men? it's terrible... but he's so perfect. gah! his knee touched mine

You know ...
today has been awful. I started with a blaw test
and then took an accounting test, where people are *hoping* they got 50% I'm banking on partial credit getting me at least a D.
and now my back hurts and i'm all stressed out and i haven't looked at auditing yet. and i'm meeting dan at 3:20, which is exciting, but whatevs.
Boy and I are doing better. So other options are less appealing...no matter how cute they are. Boy bought me breakfast this morning. and redbull. and put gas inn my car. What a fucking sweetheart. <3

I'm trying.

I'm trying. I'm trying to make this work. I'm working with some psych friends of mine and they're helping me get through the panic attacks. I really want to feel like I'm gaining control over my life. I really want to feel like I am doing it. Not my therapist, not the drugs I'm (not) taking, not Drew, but me. This is MY journey and I want to do it.

I'm trying to make him happy. I'm trying to convince him that I *am* happy with him, but it's so hard when I'm just plain NOT happy. I'm not happy with life, so how can I stay happy with him. It's not fun for me. I keep looking for inspirational/motivational quotes and articles to try and keep me going through the day, but I'm falling behind in classwork and it's not okay. Not at all. Valentine's Day is Saturday, and even when I'm single, it's one of my favorite holidays because I love the idea of expressing love for one another. I love the way stores decorate for it, I love how excited people get. I love how people spend so long trying to decide on the absolute most perfect gift to get their loved ones... but I'm not excited for it. We're going out for dinner, but big deal. I don't even care right now. And it's not because I don't want to be with him. I *do* love him...I'm just... in a very confused place. I'm trying to make him not feel like a failure as a boyfriend because I'm always sad, but trying almost makes me miserable because it reflects how sad I truly am.

lexapro and selfishness

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I do NOT want to go on lexapro again. I can’t function with it…but I’m having a hard time functioning without it. I’m so sad and upset all the time. I keep thinking about it and it makes things so much worse. I don’t want to be unable to be happy. I don’t want to have to rely on drugs to get through my everyday life. I did that and it sucked! I mean, I got along with my boyfriend then…and I was probably healthier.. but I can’t go back on that medication. I can’t because I hate not being able to be truly happy. I hate my world being beige. I like the highs so much. I hate the lows. Hate them. And they occur more often then the highs. Especially with the fighting with Drew. He’s not helping so much right now. He’s trying. I’m sure he’s trying. But he’s got to be so sick of me. My insane jealousy…my hatred of everything. I just can’t be the girlfriend he needs. I just can’t…and it makes me want to leave. But I’m so fucking selfish and I need him. I don’t know how to get through the day without him and I can’t deal with him not being there. It doesn’t happen. No. I just I can’t think I can’t study I can’t be motivated. I’m terrified. I hate this feeling. I hate the fight last night where he almost asked me to leave. I would have. And I wouldn’t have looked back…but I hate it. It makes me question everything even more. I need him to be there for me…I need him to be supportive. I need him to love me. I need him to be supportive and caring but I can’t ask for that when I can’t be a good girlfriend. I can’t do it. I’m killing the best relationship I’ve ever had with the best man I’ve ever been with because I have no self esteem. I can’t think that I deserve to be with him so it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter. I almost have to leave don’t I? because I can’t be what he deserves…I can’t be the decent respectable girl friend. I can’t do it and I don’t know that I’ll ever be able to.

He forgot about me. He always *always* takes me back to my apt after class and he forgot. I just don't know. I don't want to give up on this. I love him more than anything in the world and i just have to figure myself out i guess.

love...

he's mine. and i'm happy about that. i love him. i just can't deal with this. i can't deal with him thinking i'm not happy. i AM. i'm just *always* sick. I can't stand him thinking it's *his* fault that I'm upset, yet I don't want to confide in him anymore. He gets upset and I don't like him being upset. I just can't do this. I can't.

everything i do
i do it for you

I just want him to know that I hate the way things are. I'm scared they won't change. I'm scared that it just won't matter if I keep trying. Part of me still thinks I should walk away...part of me thinks that I should leave because things haven't been fun for awhile.

I want him to know that I live for him. I want him to know that I am absolutely love him. I want him to know that he makes me happy; but the rest of my life does not. It's not his fault. It's mine. and i hate it. more than anything...

I'm having major trust issues. I can't concentrate and I can't think about almost everything. I just keep thinking that he wants to be with someone else. I haveno proof of this. None. Whatsoever. I just have a feeling. We're not having sex, we're not confiding in each other, we're not hardly dating. We're just... friends. That sleep together at night sometimes. There have been so many times that i have almost walked away.

But he's such a good friend..

net present value, auditing, business law, I DON'T GIVE A FLYING FUCK RIGHT NOW. I'm hung over as hell I feel like shit and I just want to curl up and cry. None of it is important to me right now. Really it's not.

I want to tell you that I'm miserable
So you'll hold me
tell me to stay
tell me that you love me
we can fix this right?
I mean, it's us.

I don't know how. I don't know what to do anymore. I want happy.

I don't understand what's going on. I don't understand because it's unreasonable that you used to talk on the phone in front of me. Now you leave the room. You don't tell me who's on the phone and you're having outlandishly long conversations with this person I don't know. I couldn't tell the gender of the person in the two seconds we were in the same room. You ask why I get so annoyed so easily. I'm sick. I want to be taken care of. I'm stressed. I have a lot to do. I don't understand why you're being so weird...