I'm trying.

I'm trying. I'm trying to make this work. I'm working with some psych friends of mine and they're helping me get through the panic attacks. I really want to feel like I'm gaining control over my life. I really want to feel like I am doing it. Not my therapist, not the drugs I'm (not) taking, not Drew, but me. This is MY journey and I want to do it.

I'm trying to make him happy. I'm trying to convince him that I *am* happy with him, but it's so hard when I'm just plain NOT happy. I'm not happy with life, so how can I stay happy with him. It's not fun for me. I keep looking for inspirational/motivational quotes and articles to try and keep me going through the day, but I'm falling behind in classwork and it's not okay. Not at all. Valentine's Day is Saturday, and even when I'm single, it's one of my favorite holidays because I love the idea of expressing love for one another. I love the way stores decorate for it, I love how excited people get. I love how people spend so long trying to decide on the absolute most perfect gift to get their loved ones... but I'm not excited for it. We're going out for dinner, but big deal. I don't even care right now. And it's not because I don't want to be with him. I *do* love him...I'm just... in a very confused place. I'm trying to make him not feel like a failure as a boyfriend because I'm always sad, but trying almost makes me miserable because it reflects how sad I truly am.