depressed. :-(

I love him with every fiber of my being...but sometimes I wonder if it's enough. I don't feel "good enough" or like I "deserve" anything he can give to me. I want to stay in bed. Not because I'm tired but because I don't want to do anything. I don't want to get out of bed, I don't want to go to class, I don't want to care.

I put on a happy face. I try and convince him nothing's wrong. I know I'm failing. I don't want to go back on those meds. I can't be sad on them. Being sad is a comforting feeling. It's one that I'm used to, that I understand. I try and convince him I'm happy; he wants so badly to see me smile. And I love him...so I just want to give him what he wants. But I can't. I can't give him anything Because everything I am to him right now is a lie. I'm not a happy person. I don't like to smile. I don't care about hardly anything right now. I *want* to be happy again...but not if it means taking those meds. I want to be able to be myself around him...because that's important. It's important to be honest and be yourself with your parter.

But damnit he hates it so much when I'm sad. And I like it so much when he's happy.