02 Life

I think in this essay I'm supposed to ponder the meaning or something to that effect... but fuck that. I don't feel like finding the meaning of anything. There's a reason I'm not a philosophy major. Because I like to take things at the surface value.

So... life. I'm here because a talented group of doctor's has saved my life. Twice. Perhaps three times. I don't know how close I was to dying the third time. Not really. That's what you need to know.

My life. It's a complicated drama with plots more complex than most soap operas. Most dramas don't have as many lies and deceit as my life. Nor as many twists and turns. Not that I'm complaining. Usually I like my life to be more interesting than my television. It helps me keep the television off. And sometimes get more studying done. Which is important.

I love my family. They're incredibly important to me. However. Unfortunately, they do not like my significant other. They say that I deserve better. Someone less overweight...someone more motivated...someone less asian...someone younger (theres a six year age difference). But seriously. He is motivated. Kind of... he went back to college after dropping out. His GPA is as good a s mine.... which isn't so hot really...but it's not academic probation anymore...for either of us. Dropping out sounds bad...he left school- he told me he almost failed out...but not quite. That was hard to hear. But school isn't his thing. He is an amazing sales person. He can sell you on almost anything. That's where he makes money. That and car audio. The weight... that doesn't really bother me. He's not HUGE ... he has a big neck and a tummy. I don't mind so much. But it's incredibly frustrating. They can't see that he's in the process of turning his life around. . . and that I'm part of that process. They want me to find someone else... and eventually that may happen.... but right now.... I'm happy. Kind of. I'm not happy that he'll say things like "I don't think that your dad will pay for us to get married, so that means it's on me so let's have a football themed wedding" He'll let me have the wedding I want.... but .... I hate that. I hate knowing that my family doesn't approve. I hate it!! Over time their dislike has grown less obvious... but it's still there. They think my children (if i have them with him...) will be messed up. I didn't used to get along with my family ... not at all.... but now that I'm starting to it's almost like their opinion is starting to matter more to me and that's not fair to me and it's not fair to him. See the soap opera starting yet?
This not knowing is killing me. It's put such a high level of stress on me that all of my relationships are suffering. Not just my family and my boyfriend.... all of them. with all of my friends and all of everyone I know.
It's hard. It's hard to know what to do. I'm scared. I love him. More than I've loved anyone else. I don't want to leave him. So I'm not going to. But I wish that I could make my family believe me he's a good guy.
I write about him when I write about my life...because right now...he's the biggest part of my life. He's the most important person in it. I tell him that my friends come first...but not lately. Lately it's been him. I love him. I'd do anything for that boy.
Hopefully things will sort themselves out. I hope I hope I hope.