I do NOT want to go on lexapro again. I can’t function with it…but I’m having a hard time functioning without it. I’m so sad and upset all the time. I keep thinking about it and it makes things so much worse. I don’t want to be unable to be happy. I don’t want to have to rely on drugs to get through my everyday life. I did that and it sucked! I mean, I got along with my boyfriend then…and I was probably healthier.. but I can’t go back on that medication. I can’t because I hate not being able to be truly happy. I hate my world being beige. I like the highs so much. I hate the lows. Hate them. And they occur more often then the highs. Especially with the fighting with Drew. He’s not helping so much right now. He’s trying. I’m sure he’s trying. But he’s got to be so sick of me. My insane jealousy…my hatred of everything. I just can’t be the girlfriend he needs. I just can’t…and it makes me want to leave. But I’m so fucking selfish and I need him. I don’t know how to get through the day without him and I can’t deal with him not being there. It doesn’t happen. No. I just I can’t think I can’t study I can’t be motivated. I’m terrified. I hate this feeling. I hate the fight last night where he almost asked me to leave. I would have. And I wouldn’t have looked back…but I hate it. It makes me question everything even more. I need him to be there for me…I need him to be supportive. I need him to love me. I need him to be supportive and caring but I can’t ask for that when I can’t be a good girlfriend. I can’t do it. I’m killing the best relationship I’ve ever had with the best man I’ve ever been with because I have no self esteem. I can’t think that I deserve to be with him so it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter. I almost have to leave don’t I? because I can’t be what he deserves…I can’t be the decent respectable girl friend. I can’t do it and I don’t know that I’ll ever be able to.
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Dani,
I've been through this struggle with medication a few times. I was never on Lexapro, but I was on Zoloft. For the first few weeks, I loved it because I felt like it was going to be a fix-all for my life. Then I realized that I had become far too dependent upon it.
I really pride myself in knowing myself as a person, and that includes psychologically. The anti-depressants and anti-anxieties served, for me, as an aversion. I leaned on them to solve my problems so I didn't have to face them. Once I stopped taking them, I had to face up to my issues. It's not that I'm against medication, per se, it's just that I think it's sometimes an excuse -- an easy way out -- a cop out.
You know some of the things I've been through in my life -- none of those things are easy to face or to deal with on a daily basis. But it's confronting that pain, those issues, that confusion that allows us to grow as people.
I feel like I am a 100% completely different person than I was from even this time last year. What's changed? What's so different? That pain I've lived with is still there. I still live with guilt and confusion and fear, the same as I have for the past two decades. But the thing that's changed is my outlook.
I have realized that it's up to me. My life is in my hands, in my control. Things are going to happen to me, no matter what. I'm going to be hurt and angry and confused, but I CHOOSE to learn from those experiences. I CHOOSE to realize that suffering is temporary.
You have to remember that through all the pain, there is happiness, success, beauty. Find it in the small things... a smile from a friend, a beautiful day, a good grade, a funny movie, a cute baby animal, a new dress, a good cup of coffee... Cling to those things and realize that everything happens for a reason. It's all about taking a positive outlook on life.
Optimism is an extremely hard thing to learn to employ in your day-to-day life. But it will change you from the inside out, I promise it. I recommend buying/checking out a book called 'Learned Optimism' by Martin Seligman. It truly changed my life. My Psychology professor {whom I credit with truly saving my life} recommended it to me and it blew my mind.
I would love to talk to you about this some more... I got your text this morning, but I unfortunately have work today and Wednesday and dinner plans Tuesday. But I would love to meet up with you maybe Thursday afternoon or night.
Love you <3
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